Motives for Change

 

No posts from me in some time, so I feel I can get away with just a little update on what’s going on in my life. I’ll take a bit of inspiration from Stream of Consciousness Saturday.

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The #SoCS prompt this week is ‘motive’, which strikes me as a very powerful concept.

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What motivated me to quit my job at the beginning of August, embarking on this past several weeks of unemployment? What are my main motives for moving from this comfy little city where I have spent the last ten years of my life?

When I decided to leave my job, it was mostly because I was overcome by symptoms – primarily fatigue. I don’t know how much of my totally drained, aching, low-ebb of energy, oversleeping tiredness to attribute to major depression, how much to attribute to side-effects of medication, or how much to attribute to the ungodly hours I had been working for years, but the bottom line is that I could not carry on as I was.

I was night auditor at a motel. It may be hard to believe, but I had gotten into the habit of sleeping for over half of each shift of ‘work’. I was of course in perpetual fear of being caught napping and therefore fired. My sleep at work was not restful. I slept with one eye open, as it were. And then I would go back to my apartment and sleep practically the entire time until the next shift of work. I was sleeping two thirds of the time, like a cat.

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Living independently is a balancing act, like a house made of cards. Take away one card, and the house will most likely collapse. Take away ‘job’ and down come ‘apartment’ and ‘car’ and ‘phone’ and all the cards which are essential to finding ‘job’ again. A guy in my situation could easily find himself living in the street! I am incredibly fortunate, however, to have the support of my loving family. I have a place to go and to live and the resources to keep myself fed and presentable. So, I am giving up living independently for at least a little while, with the motive of attending to my health better so as to surmount the fatigue and other symptoms which have brought down my house of cards.

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Looking forward just a few weeks to when I find myself living in my old hometown, in my father’s house,  what motives will I find for applying myself to landing and holding a new job and finding an apartment for myself again? Well, I’m going to be bored. In the past month since leaving my job, I have had enough free, unstructured time to know that there is indeed such a thing as too much idleness. It has been wonderful to have a respite, and I think my overall fatigue has lessened. But already I want for the structured time which a job entails. Also, I simply cannot expect for my family to support me for too long. I’m not on disability (though I probably should be), and I must pull my own weight to some extent. Rebuilding will be hard. I earnestly hope I am up to it.

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For now, I’ve just got to muster the motivation to get moved. Everybody knows that moving is a pain. And one of the symptoms of my illness is ‘avolition’ – the utter lack of willpower. So I have that to deal with. But one step at a time and with help, I will make it.

Hey, thanks, Linda Hill, for the prompt this week. It has helped me to think about recent events and to focus on what’s next in my life.

Wish me luck!

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