A Sea Change Afoot

It is not to be a vacation; that’s something I have to keep in mind.

The reason I’m quitting my job and moving in with my father is to focus on my health.

What’s called for is a few months of fitness montage. You know, like in the movies: just brief flashes of me pumping iron and dripping sweat over exercycle handlebars, shadowboxing my way up city steps, chugging whey shakes and then hurling them up again as I sprint along the morning beach.

I’m gonna stop smoking, for one thing. That’s huge for me, as I’ve been going at it full bore for about 25 years. Cessation should prove a sea change.

Gonna make myself cook, too. I’ve been grubbing on lunch meat and fast food for too many years. Would you believe I have gained approximately a pound a month for the past 6 or 7 years? Gotta get back to veggie stirfry and such. Salads. Water.

Not a vacation. Not a vacation. I’m not to geek out on my online game through the wee hours and lay abed all day. In fact, keeping regular sleeping hours is half the point. Over the last decade, I have worked swing shift and graveyards constantly. My sleep is erratic, sporadic… often super-shallow and fretful, then every couple of weeks a mini-coma lasting over 24 hours. Chronic fatigue is real, and a real hell on Earth sometimes.

I am both eagerly anticipating and somewhat dreading the move out of my current apartment and into the house where I lived as a teen. Self-esteem is a major factor in the severity of my schizophrenia symptoms. When I’m low, the auditory/cognitive hallucinations worsen and intensify. I am prone to become beset by contentious, scornful voices, is the long and short of it. And living independently and holding a job have been the pillars of my self-esteem ever since I went homeless in psychosis. So yeah, I dread giving over my current situation and becoming dependent on my family. But there is no doubting that I have dug a deep rut here – smoking like a house on fire, suffering from the fatigue and malnutrition and sedentary lifestyle… My big hope is that the change of venue will afford me the opportunity and drive to establish new routines.

They say a change is as good as a rest.